


What if... (It's only three words, eight letters)?

by TiggerUsername



Series: What if... (Jiara July) [5]
Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, F/M, First Love, Getting Together, JJ (Outer Banks) Deserves Happiness, JJ (Outer Banks) Needs Love, Jiara July, Kiara (Outer Banks) Needs a Hug, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad JJ (Outer Banks)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:42:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25672264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiggerUsername/pseuds/TiggerUsername
Summary: JJ has had a lot of firsts in his life. But none of them compare to Kiara. They are eighteen when Kiara tells JJ to man up and make a move. Together they realise that firsts can be repeated. There is one first however that changes everything. Because neither of them have heard those three words, eight letter before.Jiara July (Prompt: Firsts)Last entry for Jiara July
Relationships: JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)
Series: What if... (Jiara July) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1849996
Comments: 8
Kudos: 83
Collections: Jiara July Jubilee





	What if... (It's only three words, eight letters)?

**Author's Note:**

> So, another prompt that is a day late but I'm sorry. Just wanted to make this as good as it can be because this is my last entry in the Jiara Week.
> 
> This week has been something else. It has really pushed me when writing but more importantly, it has shown me that my obsession with this show is still strong and will not disappear for a while.
> 
> Thank you everyone that has read this! I definitely will continue writing so if anyone has any prompts or any advice on how I can improve my writing, I would love to hear it all! 
> 
> Thank you again and I hope you enjoy this last part. I'm finishing with the first.

A relationship is a rollercoaster. Two people get on the ride expecting a thrilling adventure full of speed and intensity. Now, most rollercoasters have ups and downs as well as twists and turns in which make the journey exciting. Most people expect to get on a rollercoaster and feel a sudden rush of adrenaline. But every rollercoaster still stands the chance of breaking down- trapping the people in no man’s land.

When it comes to JJ, relationships are often short-lived and almost always end in a crash. His first girlfriend was Suzie Michaels when he was ten years old. Sure, it only lasted a week and he only called her his girlfriend because it was the cool thing to do but JJ still counts it. His second girlfriend didn’t come until he was thirteen years old. It lasted a month and it was the first girl in which JJ touched. JJ’s mother then left Outer Banks when he turned fourteen and JJ realised that relationships are nothing but disasters waiting to happen.

After JJ’s mom left, girlfriends just weren’t something that he cared about. He liked having fun and hooking up without it leading to anything serious. So, after JJ’s mom left, JJ stuck to meaningless flings which could never end in disaster.

Flings were easy. Flings were fun. Flings were something that JJ became very good at in his early life. He made sure to always hit on the Tourons to make sure that they would be gone before they started talking about relationships. And it’s not like the Tourons really cared. They came to Outer Banks, found the boneyard all just to hook up with the dirtiest Pogue on the cut. Tourons wanted a meaningless fling and JJ was a professional. So, life was perfect just the way it was.

Until Kiara.

Kiara Carrera is that super-hot, rich, hippie chick that dresses and acts like the Pogues but lives amongst the Kooks. One of the only people in Figure Eight to ever give the boys from the cut a chance to show themselves. Only one moment with Kiara is needed to think that she is better than life itself.

When she came to the group of Pogues, JJ remained hesitant. A twelve-year-old boy that became dependent on his two best friends. Letting some random girl into the group of Pogues was something that JJ found hard to wrap his head around. It wasn’t until her quick-witted responses to JJ’s comments became a massive part to his day to day life which he found another thing he was dependent on.

Being friends with Kiara was easy. She was never afraid to put JJ in his place when JJ’s jokes became too much nor was Kiara afraid of laughing along to when one of the boys made an idiot of themselves. Kiara fit right into the group of Pogues. But even JJ could tell that it wouldn’t be long until all three boys had a thing for her.

JJ remembers the first time he saw Kiara and thought to himself ‘Huh, I wonder what she would do if I kissed her.’ He remembers only being fifteen when his stomach involuntarily fluttered when he watched Kiara climb onto the Pogue after jumping in for a quick swim. JJ likes to believe that he only really saw her as anything more than a friend because of her obvious female attributes and the fact that at fifteen years old, all JJ really cared about was sex. The issue is, those fucking flutters didn’t go away after his meaningless hook-ups with Tourons. Those fucking flutters were whispering to JJ that maybe _he wanted more than just sex. Maybe he wanted Kiara._

_Deny, deny, deny._

For the next three years, JJ gets better at denying anything for Kiara Carrera. Sure, he innocently flirts with her to fill the awkward silences when John B and Pope are off messing around elsewhere. Sure, JJ likes how Kiara smirks even when she is telling JJ that he is being an idiot. But JJ is the only Pogue that doesn’t break their Pogue on Pogue Macking rules. That is, until it’s Kiara’s eighteenth birthday.

Hours into the usual Pogue ritual of spending long hours out on the Pogue until one of them gets too drunk leads to them messing around and playing drinking games at the chateau. JJ can’t deny how happy he is that every second of Kiara’s birthday, Kiara seems to try and find a way to sit down next to JJ. It’s almost midnight when JJ finds Kiara on the porch sofa where he sits down next to her and tells her that John B and Pope have already gone to bed. “Lightweights.” JJ scoffs before drinking from his cup of water.

Ever since Kiara and Pope found JJ in the cat’s ass wasted all whilst he cried over his fucking dad, JJ hasn’t drunk a single drop claiming that he won’t let alcohol make him anything like his dad. “They have always been lightweights.” Kiara agrees with him.

“So, Kiara Carrera how does it feel being the last Pogue to turn eighteen?” JJ turns to joke along with the girl Pogue.

“It’s no different to being seventeen, JJ.”

“No, but now you’re one year closer to inevitable death.” JJ smirks whilst Kiara laughs along which only makes JJ grin wider.

“Oh my god JJ. You are an idiot.”

“Always and forever, Kie.”

Silence has never been something that JJ is keen on. A blow to the head from his father on JJ’s eighth birthday led JJ to have a consistent humming noise filling any space for silence to fill. When nobody talks, the ever-present reminder of the monsters returns making JJ want to scream just to block the sound out. Instead, JJ just succumbs to drumming his fingertips onto his leg whilst his leg jumps up and down. Giving JJ something to do calms the storm in which is his life.

Kiara has her own way of doing things. With the silence, JJ notices how her eyes are fluttering as if sleep is teasing her. A couple more drums onto his legs later, he feels a head fall to his shoulder. Kiara. The humming stops all at once and is replaced with the fluttering that JJ cannot deny- he can just hope that she doesn’t hear it herself.

Thinking Kiara is asleep, JJ just looks down at the girl and whispers “Happy birthday, Kie.” He has to fight off the thought of kissing her forehead as a way of saying goodnight. But just when he thinks about moving, Kiara shuffles further into his side and replies whilst keeping her eyes closed.

“Are you going to make a move on me at some point?” JJ just stares down at her whilst his eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. Her eyes remain closed. Maybe he just imagined her speaking. One of his stupid dreams all over again. “Are you ever going to kiss me, JJ?” This is when her eyes open and JJ knows that this isn’t some recurring dream.

No Pogue and Pogue Macking. The rule was pretty much obliterated when John B kissed Kiara and Pope declared his love for her whilst they worked through that fucked up gold hunt. When Kiara told Pope that she made a mistake in kissing him, the rule never really came back. Because none of the Pogues would make a move on Kiara after that.

So, JJ just watches her confused before trying to combine the words to make a sentence “I… Kie.” JJ just clears his throat, making Kiara sit up awkwardly.

“Oh.” JJ sees Kiara shake her head. “I misread it. Fuck. Okay.” Her jumbled words spill out of her mouth as she shuffles to her feet, looking down the entire time.

“Kie.”

“I just thought that the flirting meant something, JJ. But I obviously misread it so…” JJ can’t help but smirk when he sees Kiara cringe as her cheeks turn pink. Kiara likes JJ? Likes him more than the other Pogues? “Can we just forget about it?” Kiara quickly says. But JJ can’t help but grin because here he is, with the girl he’s been denying having any romantic feelings for for years just because he didn’t want to get rejected by her. JJ just makes his way to his feet before stalking closer to the girl. When he reaches Kiara, he just places his hands onto the sides of her face before pulling her into a brief kiss, a small kiss just to shut the rambling girl up. It works.

“You weren’t misreading things Kie.” A smile appears on her pinked face before her hands go to ghost the skin of his wrists whilst he still holds her face.

“Good.” Kiara just nods and all of a sudden, all JJ wants to do is kiss away her smile to prove his words once more.

It’s not JJ’s first kiss. JJ likes to brag about the amount of hot Tourons he’s macked just to make the other Pogues laugh. But sharing a kiss with Kiara makes all of those hot Tourons feel pointless. It’s like he hasn’t ever kissed anyone before Kiara when he pulls her in for a more searing kiss. Kiara kisses back immediately before taking charge. Normally, JJ leads the actions to a kiss. But for the first time, he is okay with Kiara taking charge. “This better not be a one-time thing JJ, because…” Kiara breathes against his lips.

“It’s not Kie.” And he means it. Because for the first time in years, the potential of a relationship doesn’t send him running. Because it’s Kiara.

Now, saying the word ‘girlfriend’ when it comes to Kiara is something in which JJ has waited years to say. But it still doesn’t sound real. A week into them being together, they quickly tell the rest of the Pogues by saying ‘yeah Kie’s my girlfriend.’ And it feels natural. Something that JJ didn’t think possible. When telling the Pogues, it’s the first time those words leave his lips. And for the first time ever, the words don’t make him want to crash the ride.

One week turns to one month which quickly turns to a year. Kiara is not JJ’s first girlfriend but she is the first girl to stick around for a long time. Everything with Kiara feels like the first. From the first time she holds his hand in public when they ignore the long stares from the Kooks to the time where Kiara makes JJ walk her into the Wreck where JJ knows Kiara’s dad will be working. He jokingly turns his back to turn away before Mike Carrera spots him but like always, Kiara is there to lead the way.

When Kiara is by his side, the whispers turn to silence.

When JJ is with Kiara, it’s as if all of his firsts reset and everything is new once more.

A bit like the first time they sleep together. It’s two weeks into their relationship when messy touches and messy kisses become too much for them when they begin pulling each other into the room in the chateau that has long become JJ’s bedroom. JJ likes to think that he made the first move; but deep down, JJ knows it’s Kiara that finally whispers to him “Let’s go inside.” When innocent kisses on the hammock turns to more.

If this was anyone other than Kiara (the girl in which knows every aspect to JJ) the girl would probably think that JJ is a virgin with how clumsy his touches are and how shaky his hands remain. Never in all the years JJ has been having sex including his first time has JJ had shaky hands and clumsy movements. But he can’t stop the clumsy movements when he moves Kiara onto the bed.

His hands remain shaky when he stands at the foot of the bed to take his pants off “I knew it. I knew those Tourons were lying.” If this was anyone other than Kiara, JJ would quickly pull up his pants and storm away from the smug girl in front of him. But this is Kiara. The same Kiara that not only puts up with his jokes, but adds fuel to the fire. The same Kiara that smirks at all of JJ’s jokes even if she tries to remain blunt. The same smirk is evident on her face tonight.

“So, you want to be a Touron, Kie?” JJ smirks when he climbs to hover over Kiara.

“God no!” Kiara laughs, pecking JJ’s lips before smiling at him.

“Well then stop complaining that you’re not getting the same attention. This is the Pogue attention. It’s even better than Touron attention.” JJ strokes his hand up and down her side whilst his other hand captures Kiara’s hand above her head.

“I’ll be sure to tell John B and Pope that.” Kiara smirks making something light up from deep inside JJ. It’s the jokes that only Kiara can tell. How she can give just as much and maybe even more than the jokester Maybank himself.

“Okay Kie. Don’t bring them up when we’re like this. Complete mood killer.” JJ pulls away playfully, only trying to create a reaction from the girl laying on his bed.   
“You’re an idiot, JJ.” Kiara breathes out as she pulls JJ back to her, leaving no room for comfort as she connects their lips in a deep kiss. Not holding back until they both become breathless.

It’s not his first time. It’s not her first time. But everything about it feels like the first. From how JJ sloppily moves within her and doesn’t feel like he can hold out as long as he usually does. How he keeps slipping and messing up the synchronised thrust all whilst Kiara just laughs. Her laugh just makes JJ remember that here he is, with his best friend… his girlfriend. Every time JJ slips, JJ cringes with embarrassment, not really understanding why he is being so awkward when he is usually a pro. But it doesn’t seem to throw Kiara when she straddles his waist just to flip them over and take control.

And that’s when JJ realises. He realises that he doesn’t mind the clumsy movements and the shaky hands if it means Kiara can take control. Because just like everything else, Kiara is a pro.

Normally, when JJ is able to catch his breath, he would be leaving the Touron straight away making sure not to create a connection and fuck everything up for her. But Kiara is a unique situation. So, he just lays next to her and catches his breath whilst she does the same. Kiara rests her head on his bare chest all whilst JJ has his arm thrown around her. JJ has never been used to physical touch until now.

A constant in which happens after sex is when the humming comes back to JJ’s head to fill up the calming silence. His monsters shine through the hums as the hums begin to sound more like his dad’s words. _You worthless son of a bitch. Do something you fucking kid. Do you not see what I have done for you?_ Luke Maybank may not be around anymore but his voice remains in the crooks of silence. JJ unconsciously moves his arms to cover his eyes as he tries to find a way to stop the humming. “JJ?” He doesn’t take his arm away to Kiara’s concerned voice.

“It’s fine. The humming sometimes happens when…” A pain jolts through JJ before he can finish his sentence. The pain of knowing that the humming will only get louder and louder until he can finally find a way to scream it away.

His eyes remain sewn closed when he hears Kiara begin singing _“I’m so gone. Anyone could see that I’m wasted.”_ Her soft singing voice makes JJ move his arm to look at the girl lying next to him.

_“You cut through. And I just wanna know what’s in your head.”_ JJ doesn’t know the song so he just keeps listening to the beauty that is Kiara

_“Write it on a piece of paper, honey._

_Put it in my coat before I go._

_Hidden in a place you know I’ll find it._

_Later when I’m sitting all alone.”_

It’s only then that JJ understands why she is singing. The pain from the ever-present humming begins to calm down when JJ fixates on Kiara’s song. He can’t help but smile when he watches Kiara’s eyes fill with such happiness when she watches the ceiling as she keeps singing. No one has ever tried to find a way to fight the monsters in JJ’s head before. Before Kiara. _“Let me in.”_ Kiara sings which makes JJ freeze. Because he can’t let Kiara into his closet full of monsters. It would only scare her away.

“Wow. I must really have sucked in bed if you can still sing.” JJ finds a joke in the seriousness of the room, cutting Kiara off from singing more. Because he can’t break down in front of her. Kiara must sense something, but she quickly shakes it off before laughing brightly when she turns to JJ.

“I wouldn’t say you sucked, JJ.” Kiara throws her arms over his neck whilst still smiling along with JJ.

“Just know that I am normally much better. Some would even say the best.” JJ moves his hands to Kiara’s waist to pull her closer.

“Well you know what to do then.” JJ just smirks when Kiara leans closer almost closing the gap entirely. “Fucking show me dude.” JJ feels his stomach drop as he watches her eyes darken and presumes that his eyes reflect hers. Before Kiara can close the gap, he flips them laying Kiara down on the bed and leaning in close. Kiara’s laughter fills the room and JJ just knows that this is them. Laughter in a serious moment.

“You’re in for a ride, Carrera.” JJ whispers in her ear.

“Yeah, right.” Kiara half-moans, half-laughs. Just that sound makes JJ give up the fight lean down to kiss Kiara whilst she tightly wraps her legs around his waist.

The second time that night, JJ improves and finds his rhythm in which he has become so used to when it is anyone other than Kiara. How it is fast and loud and sweaty all at once leaving both of them completely breathless. JJ makes sure to brag by shouting out to the empty room “I’m back!”

“Shut up you idiot!” Kiara breathlessly laughs along with him.

They find their middle ground during the third time that night. It’s slow but passionate all at once whilst JJ whispers into Kiara’s neck to contrast his normal shouting. Kiara doesn’t hold anything back. It’s new but it’s something that beats every other time before it. JJ could get used to finding perfection with Kiara.

At the three-month mark of their relationship, JJ finds himself liking everything about Kiara. He finds himself being obsessed with how Kiara sneaks into his bed without even saying anything and then sings into his ear until the humming is drowned out by her voice as they fall into a deep sleep. At the three-month mark, JJ finds himself only being able to sleep when he has Kiara by his side. And it’s at the three-month mark that JJ realises that he has never done this before. Never slept with a girl with it being simply about sleep.

JJ finds himself tracing Kiara to memorise everyway she sleeps. From how her head fits perfectly in the crook of his neck. How one of her hands fiddles with the hair on the back of his neck all whilst her other hand flutters up and down his chest. No one has ever tried to soothe JJ before. He has never found a way to combat the humming until Kiara.

Rollercoasters in which have been riding people around for a long period of time, filling the people with adrenaline, often find a way of breaking down at a time in which is least expected.

For just over a year, JJ ignores the humming words of his dad to make sure that he doesn’t fuck everything up with Kiara. The humming keeps getting louder however. The other issue is the fact that it’s not just his dad. When he stays over in Figure Eight, JJ can’t ignore the real words from the Kooks.

_‘The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in the Maybanks.’_

Kooks will always believe the gossip even if they have never said a word to JJ, nor have they ever seen the true colours of Luke Maybank.

_‘Kiara must have Stockholm syndrome to be dating a Maybank.’_

Stockholm syndrome? Kiara is not stuck with him. JJ doesn’t own Kiara.

_‘Dirt. That is all he is.’_

Sure. Dirt.

_‘The bruises have only stopped because he’s the one doing the punching now.’_

Oh, if only these Kooks knew the truth about the Maybanks. They would be running around with new gossip to fill their empty lives.

_‘It will be a celebration the day we found out all of the Maybanks are gone.’_

Sounds about right.

_He should just leave Kiara out of it._

Okay.

The rollercoaster pretty much crashes completely off of the tracks when JJ realises that Kiara is going to end up stuck with the boy from the cut if JJ doesn’t do anything about it. Stuck in the cut where everyone is lower than the dirt on the ground. Kiara can’t be like the rest of the Pogues- trapped in an empty gap of nothing. The growing feeling of running to save Kiara from himself fills JJ every day. But it all comes crashing down when Kiara whispers those three words, eight letters.

Because they can’t be real. JJ has never heard them in his life unless they were being spat at him as a cruel joke. Kiara can’t be in love with someone that offers nothing to the world. JJ is nothing in the world. And Kiara is everything. _Everything._

They meet at the chateau the day after he hears those words from Kiara. JJ ignores those words because he doesn’t deserve them. He doesn’t deserve Kiara. “I think we should break up.” JJ murmurs as soon as Kiara walks in. He avoids any form of eye contact whilst the humming in his head gets louder.

“What?” A laugh-full breath escapes Kiara.

“We should break up.” JJ needs to do this.

“No.” He doesn’t need to look at Kiara to know that a stern expression is planted on her face whilst her arms are crossed. “What the fuck, JJ?” Kiara pretty much screams into the empty chateau.

“I think it’s over, Kie.”

“Is this because I said I love you?” Of course, Kiara knows the truth. Kiara can read straight through JJ. “Just fucking look at me JJ!” He hesitates before looking up at her.

Her eyes are on fire as she stares daggers into JJ. But he knows, he deserves them. He deserves every painful word and dagger that is thrown at him. “I love you, JJ!” Kiara shouts but her words aren’t filled with venom. She remains soft in front of him. But JJ can’t back down.

“You deserve to love someone better than just some guy from the cut.” Traitorous tears threaten to make an appearance. “You deserve better than me, Kie!”

“Fuck you JJ!” Kiara spits before stepping closer to him and brushing away a tear. Her actions contradict her harsh words which only confuses JJ further.

“Kie…” JJ tries to speak.

“No JJ! No. You don’t get to tell me what I deserve.” She takes a step back before putting her hands on her hips. Kiara has always been stubborn when it came to the Pogues. “You can’t tell me who I do or do not deserve. Only I can make that decision.”

“Yeah, I know.” JJ knows that Kiara hates being controlled.

“And I know that I deserve you. Actually, you deserve better than me!”

“Kie.”

“We deserve each other JJ! And I fucking love you!” JJ watches as Kiara’s eyes glass over. “And I know that it’s harder for you to say it. But I don’t care because I know you JJ. I know that you show it.”

_Man up! You fucking boy!_

JJ’s humming only gets louder through the memory of his dad’s voice. The voice that hit him every time the word love came up. Because only girls ever announced anything about love. Emotions can’t be shown by real men that JJ remains frozen to the spot, terrified of his own emotions. “You don’t need to say it back JJ. I know it’s what you feel!” And maybe he does. But he can’t. He can’t bring Kiara down.

“Then maybe you don’t know me as well as you thought, Kiara.”

“Yeah. Maybe I don’t.” Kiara lets out an angered laugh before storming out of the chateau. But it’s for the best. JJ knows it’s for the best. But even when he lets Kiara go, the humming keeps getting louder.

_Fucking grow up and stop being just like your whore of a mother!  
  
_

A day with the boy Pogues just fishing off of the dock used to be able to keep the humming from making JJ break down. So, that’s what he does. He goes to the dock just to fish. But the humming doesn’t stop. Nothing is giving JJ a break. The three boys sit on the edge of the dock, having no luck with catching fish. Just like usual. The only difference to this day is that normally Kiara is there to add quips about the boys’ lack of skill all whilst moaning to JJ about how this is mean to the fish. Kiara ignored the messages on the group chat that morning. Even an idiot like JJ can tell when it’s his fault.

_Your fucking friends don’t deserve you! You waste of space._

Closing his eyes, JJ tries to focus on any sound around the dock that could distract him from listening to the memories of his dad. But nothing can break the monsters away. “I swear we’re getting worse at fishing.” JJ hears Pope groan to John B.

“You keep scaring them away, Pope.” John B jokes but JJ still can’t fight through the fuzzy noise to join in the joke. “So, are we going to the Wreck after this or what?” John B’s question makes JJ jump. Because if Kiara doesn’t want to see him, he should stay as far away as possible.

“You guys can go. I… I need to do something anyways.” When JJ finally opens his eyes, he sees the rest of the Pogues staring back at him. He eventually gives up because they would find out eventually. “Me and Kie broke up.” JJ breathes out.

Now, the shock on John B and Pope’s faces confuses JJ. Because neither of them ever thought Kiara and JJ were going to last. They kept warning JJ over and over again to not break Kiara’s heart or play with her in the same way he unintentionally messes around with the Tourons. “Dude what did you do?” JJ had already guessed that John B and Pope would defend Kiara. And they should.

“Why the fuck did she break up with you? Please tell us that you didn’t cheat on her.” Pope’s words sting JJ. Because his friends understand JJ.

“Okay, I didn’t cheat on Kie. And she didn’t break up with me, I broke up with her.” JJ states, shaking his head before returning to his line.

“You’re an idiot.” John B scoffs.

“What the hell, JJ?”

JJ should just come out and tell the truth. Tell his Pogues that he broke up with Kiara to avoid sinking her down with him. Breaking up with Kiara protects Kiara. And that is all JJ wants. He would prefer to hurt himself every day forever more if it meant Kiara could live a happy, long life with someone that she deserves- someone great, someone like John B. “She is the best thing that has ever happened to you, JJ!” John B snaps, shouting so the entire dock can hear.

“Exactly John B! She is the best thing that has ever happened to me but I am not the best thing that has ever happened to her! She deserves better than someone from the fucking cut! Some fucking Maybank that can’t control the fucking voices in his head let alone anything else!” It’s as if JJ’s words have made John B and Pope understand as JJ looks to see them both look down in complete silence. “Kie told me that she loved me.” JJ fiddles with his line. Still no bites. Still no interest. But the interest comes from on the dock when JJ notices John B and Pope staring at him, facing filled with confusion.

“Dude…” Pope starts.

“What’s your problem, JJ? She said she loved you and you love Kie so what’s the problem?” John B comes out and asks.

“I…” Words jumble together leaving JJ feeling lost completely. “I don’t…”  
  


_Stop crying like a bitch. Only bitches feel emotion._

‘I can’t…” _I can’t feel._ The end of JJ’s sentence won’t come out of his mouth as he remains frozen, struggling to breathe whilst his eyes begin to sting. JJ wants to shout that of course he cares for Kiara, of course he likes her more than anything else but he can’t find the right words. Not even with the people he is the safest with. He can’t even tell the Pogues how he feels. “I’m not good enough for Kie.”

“JJ that’s stupid.” Pope tries to speak to get inside JJ’s head “You’re only saying that because you’re in love with…” JJ knows that they’re just trying to calm their friend down, but all JJ can do is freeze when emotions start building within him.

“Can we just fish and stop being fucking girls talking about our feelings?” As if by magic, JJ is bought to attention when his line jolts. “I’m done with feelings.”

Everything is JJ’s fault. When the no Pogue on Pogue macking rule came about, JJ was relieved to find a rule in which would force him to not get hurt by his stupid, fucked up emotions. By only hooking up with girls, he never got lost in his own emotions. He bought this on himself when he let his relationship with Kiara become complex and last a lot longer than any relationship previous. Before Kiara, JJ had become used to forcing his emotions down so far that everyone just thought he was about jokes and nothing deeper.

For the next few weeks, the humming gets louder and finds him particularly at night. It makes JJ look back to when he was with Kiara. How just her whisper singing into his ears found a way to silence the humming even if it was just for a moment. JJ never knew the song she sang but he never cared about the song. He cared about the girl singing it. Nights without the songs become restless. Restless sleep continues every night. Every night, JJ is haunted the memories of his dad and the humming that goes with it.

This particular night brings back JJ’s last day with his father.

_It’s the day that John B and Sarah are able to walk free, out of the clasp of the rest of the lying Camerons. It’s also the night that Luke Maybank loses his job. A day filled with spending their entire time messing around on the Pogue leads to JJ going home to a wasted Luke. “Dad, I’m going to spend the weekend at the chateau.” JJ announces as he walks through the front door. JJ tries to ignore how his dad is sat on the sofa, staring blankly at a sticky wall indicating a bottle had recently been thrown against it._

_“I lost my fucking job.” Luke keeps staring at the wall but just his voice freezes JJ to the spot._

_“Dad?” JJ eventually turns to Luke, already anticipating the incoming hit._

_“I lost my fucking job because I didn’t have my fucking pills that you said you’d get.” It’s then that Luke stands and makes his way over to JJ. He drunkenly stumbles, holding the glass bottle heavily in his hand._

_“I’m… I’m sorry. I was with…” Kiara. JJ was with Kiara helping her with a welcome back present for Sarah and John B because JJ would always help Kiara._

_Luke Maybank doesn’t really care who JJ was with. He just storms to his son and grabs at his neck. JJ knows that struggling will just make his dad tighten his grip. There is no use in fighting him. Luke lets JJ go when JJ starts to see stars in his vision whilst the humming becomes prominent. But JJ doesn’t have long to stand up before the bottle comes crashing onto the side of his head. Glass splatters everywhere and JJ almost collapses straight away. Blood falling from the side of his head. When JJ looks at his dad, he sees Luke’s mouth moving but he can no longer hear words escaping. The constant fight to keep JJ awake continues as he watches his dad aim for another hit, this time punching so hard that JJ can no longer stay stood up. Breathing becomes irrelevant when the seeping blood can be tasted. JJ just keeps his eyes scrunched together to fight off any tears that could make his dad hit harder._

_It’s the pain surrounding his chest that makes JJ look up. It’s then that JJ notices the river of blood flowing from his chest where a piece of large piece of glass has been used as a dagger. A shiver shoots through JJ when he can no longer hold the tears back. Drenched in sweat, blood and tears, JJ gives in to listen to the humming. The humming that remains there when he can no longer keep his eyes open. JJ sinks deeper in his own pool of flowing dark red blood._

Waking in a burst, JJ reaches for his chest to realise that it was just a dream. But the scare is cemented into his chest to only remind JJ that it still happened. That it’s not just a nightmare that JJ can wake up and forget about because it’s real life. That night, JJ was found hours later in his own blood. He spent two weeks in the hospital but when he was asked what happened, JJ just said he fell. Because JJ is always falling in the eyes of the law. Every day, he was asked the same question where JJ responded in the same way. JJ remembers how the Pogues visited every day to bring light to the serious situation. Kiara stayed at the hospital with him every step of the way. When JJ went home, his dad was nowhere to be seen. Luke Maybank never returned to Outer Banks.

It takes JJ a couple of minutes to realise that he is in the chateau, in the bedroom that has long been his. Darkness fills the room making JJ realise that this is just another long, restless night. Another night where nightmares make him scared of closing his eyes for too long.

A single light shines through his door. With a deep breath, JJ takes for the light knowing that it’s probably John B or Pope just returning from a movie night with Kiara. But JJ stops when he gets to the light source itself. Sat on the porch, Kiara watches the waves. Ever since JJ broke up with Kiara, he has avoided her to make sure that his emotions don’t get the better of him. That Kiara doesn’t break down his wall all over again. But with Kiara being here, JJ can’t hold himself in the chateau. He can’t stop himself seeing the girl he knows so well.

When JJ clears his throat, Kiara turns to face him. Her eyes glisten in the light but the obvious darkness under her eyes show her lack of sleep. Something that JJ understands completely. “Couldn’t sleep?” Kiara asks, breaking the tension first.

“No. What are you doing here Kie?” JJ shuffles forward onto the porch slightly.

“My parents were arguing. John B said I could crash here.” JJ watches her soft expression turn back to the waves. “But I couldn’t sleep.” And it is all JJ’s fault. Everything. Everything is JJ’s fault.

“Kie…” JJ starts but gets interrupted straight away.

“Why did you shut me out of your life, JJ?” It’s then that JJ notices a tear fall down her tired face. “What did I do to you?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why have you been avoiding me? Do I really mean that little to you?”

“Of course not, Kie.” JJ steps closer to the crying girl. “I just…”

“What?” Kiara snaps. 

"I don't know." He has to look away to stop tears calling out his emotions. As if there something pulling him, JJ finds his way to sit down on the sofa next to Kiara.

JJ tries to not think back to one of the first times they sat on this sofa. Kiara's birthday. The day where they both had become bored with their flirting only being innocent. The day where everything started to matter and get messy. "When I told you that I loved you, it was the first time I had ever said those words."

"Kie..."

"Listen to me JJ!" Kiara snaps before turning back to her soft expression "You owe me that." JJ just nods. "I told you I loved you as soon as I felt it because it was the first time I ever even felt the need to say those words. I knew that you'd freak because they're words that not even your parents have ever said to you." Tears trickle down Kiara's cheeks. Tears that JJ just wants to push away and find a way to stop them ever falling again. "I know that's what this all boils down to JJ. I know that you don't think you deserve love just because that monster of a man continuously told you that."

Of course, Kiara can read JJ like a book. That has always been the case ever since they met. Kiara has always found a way to look past the jokes to see the real meaning. JJ wonders if she has some weird super power about it. 

"You deserve love JJ!" Kiara shouts when she finally looks at him. Brown eyes lock onto blue eyes whilst trying to find a way to understand every aspect of each other. "It was the first time I had ever said those words to anyone JJ. And I meant every word. I still do, JJ." This only makes JJ look down feeling an intense crash of guilt on him. "Love doesn't just go away because you're afraid of it." 

Her words make a pin drop for JJ. Because through everything, JJ still wants to find a way to protect Kiara. He needs to find a way to comfort her in every way possible because she awakens emotions in JJ that Luke Maybank always made him scared of. Love doesn't just come and go. Even when he cannot bring himself to say those three words, eight letters, the fluttering feeling from when they met has only grown and it won't go away. "I know, Kie." JJ smiles at Kiara, realising that admitting emotions is hard but could end up being worth it. Kiara subtly smiles back at him before resting her head on his shoulder, bringing the sweet memory of their first kiss back to JJ.

He never thought he was possible of love. But Kiara loves him anyway. The girl that has seen JJ at his best and worst loves him. And she's not giving up on him. His sudden need to tell Kiara how deeply in love with her he is comes to surface, but when he opens his mouth the words disappear. "Kie. I want... I want to say it... I just..." JJ doesn't hold back the tears that form in his eyes. JJ has only ever cried twice in front of Kiara Carrera. The first time being in the hot tub, the second time being here today when he is no longer afraid that she will run from his tears. "I don't know how..." JJ hiccups out when Kiara reaches up to bat away the tears with her delicate fingertips.

"Hey. It's okay JJ. It's all going to be okay." Her words soothe him.

"No it's not. I should be able to say it Kie." JJ cries out further but his hysterical tears are cut off by her lips delicately pecking JJ's lips.

"I don't need you to say it JJ. I know what you're feeling. One day, those monsters will finally leave you alone and you may be able to say those words."

"Kie..."

"And I'll wait forever for you, JJ. And I'll keep telling you how I feel until you feel comfortable enough to say them back. Because I'm not running away from you, JJ. Not now, not ever." 

JJ wants to say something. Anything. But his cries won't let any words come out. It has been years since the last time JJ cried. He couldn't even cry when John B and Sarah went missing. He was always haunted by the humming. He cries now. He cries for Kiara and her promise. And Kiara just lets him cry, running her hand up and down his side until JJ finds enough power to pull her in for a tight hug. 

The rollercoaster in which is the relationship between Kiara and JJ is a ride that takes them on many bends and ups and downs at all sorts of speeds. The two year long ride leads them into unexpected directions where they find new firsts together. It's two years of Kiara fighting off JJ's monsters that he faces in the night. Kiara is there for every moment of every day to sing away the humming sound in his head. She keeps to her promise and doesn't run away even when JJ tries to push her. And JJ does try to push her when the humming of his dad's words become too much. But she stays by his side the entire time. Never leaving and never giving up hope.

Two and a half years into their relationship, Kiara keeps singing away his fears and the fears become easier to handle when JJ has Kiara right next to him. Two and a half year it takes JJ to see that emotions aren't for the weak. They are for the strong. Kiara remains strong for JJ out of love. It takes JJ two and a half years to believe her words. To believe in love and to say it out loud.

It's the middle of the night when JJ and Kiara are lying side by side on the hammock that JJ looks to her and sees everything so clearly. Love is a lot stronger than the movies make out. Love isn't just about saying those three words, eight letters. Love is a feeling in which becomes so obvious at any expected time. For JJ, confidence comes to him when they are just looking at the sky after a long day of messing around on the beach. He just looks at the girl that loves him and knows that his emotions aren't scary when it comes to Kiara. "I love you too." JJ breathes into her hair making Kiara look at him with a massive smile planted on her face. It's a smile full of love.

"I know you do."

**Author's Note:**

> Yet again, thank you so much for reading this!


End file.
